Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
