I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
