You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
