isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
