Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
