I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Who died my cat blue again?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
