Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
