Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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