Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
