So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
