if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
