you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
