We named our party play list daddy issues
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just invented taco cereal.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
