found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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