I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
