Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How external is "for external use only"?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
