and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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