The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
