I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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