I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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