I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
