Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
