I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
