I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
