We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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