I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
