i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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