I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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