just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
