How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
