I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
