AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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