I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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