You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
