3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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