I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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