maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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