it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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