I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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