just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
