im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
