Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
