i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
