When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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