So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
