i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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