Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
