The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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