Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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