I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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