im six kinds of drunk right now
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
